I don’t think it is the heat of the moment that kills a marriage but the brick wall that is built after. Holding on to bitterness, being self righteous, and keeping score, little by little builds a wall that is almost impossible to penetrate.
A bad moment can open the door for a real deep intimate connection with your spouse. You can hold a grudge and spend a miserable day taking cheap jabs at each other and spending a long sleepless night clinging to the edge of the bed, rehashing the events, and dreaming of all the things you will say once morning comes. You wake mad, miserable, and exhausted.
We come into a marriage as two selfish, sinful individuals learning, constantly, how to put another’s needs above our own. We easily overlook our own faults but put our spouses under a blinking neon sign. Yes, at first it all seems easy, you’re still reeling in the newness of your relationship. We overlook each others faults and we let little things go. Why? Because love wins (1 Corinthians 13:4-7). The mere thought of our spouse’s wonderful qualities seem to outshine their imperfections. The first fight happens, tears are shed, forgiveness happens quickly, and you feel stronger and closer than ever. Then each subsequent argument drags out longer, venom flows easier from our mouths, and grudges are born. When grudges fester bitterness grows. Brick by brick our walls are being built.
Instead of holding that grudge, take the opportunity to offer a prayer for a tender heart. Take a minute to think of all the things you love about your spouse. Somebody has to make the first move and that person can be you. It can be extremely difficult (trust me, I know), especially if you feel you’re right. At the end of the day I would much rather have a strong thriving marriage than another check on my being right score card. Think about how releasing your anger and extending understanding will draw you and your spouse to a place of deeper love, trust, and devotion. Where forgiveness reigns bitterness can’t grow. Instead of spending a sleepless night fuming spend a sleepless night talking and reaffirming the love and respect in your marriage. You can smile about how exhausted you’re by your late night. You’ll both be content because not only did you weather the storm but grew closer because of it.
Let God work through you, not only when your marriage is for better but especially when it is for worse. Sometimes the only life line is the one you throw, it can be heavy but oh so worth it! Don’t let the enemy win.
I love hearing from you. How do you keep bitterness from taking root in your marriage?
~Be Blessed and be a Blessing~
Rebecca
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I think the more we understand the love of God, then we are able to love our spouses with unselfish love. My husband and I once HATED each other! Seriously. One morning at 7:30 am with all kinds of traffic driving up and down the street, he made me so mad and was driving off. I went outside in pajama’s and threw oatmeal all over his truck. Yeah, this was pre Christian lol. However, even as a Christian it is work. I can say today I adore my husband. Yes, we still fight but it is over so quickly. We both strive in our personal time to be better people for God and that’s what helps us to be better spouses. I am reading a book right now, The Power of Prayer to Change Your Marriage by Stormie Ormartian. Great book. Great post. Thanks
Oh my friend, I have been there also (glass of water in the face at a Perkins family restaurant). Unfortunately, the marriage didn’t last and ended with a lot of bitterness, (pre Christian life). I am just so passionate about marriage and the Lord has given me many opportunities to share my testimony on my failed and thriving marriage with other women. I love that your testimony took a different turn and you were able to overcome! God is so good and we need testimonies like yours to show that marriages on the verge of ending can be healed and strengthened if we allow the Lord into them. Hard work but so worth it! I am sure many people have been blessed and encouraged because of it! I have read and given as gifts some of Stormie Ormartian books but I have not read that one. I will definitely be on the search for it. Thank you for sharing with me. I really appreciate your wisdom and insight. It blesses me to hear from you. I hope you are having a wonderful day!
Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:
Ephesians 4:26
The Lord is so good to tell us plainly not to allow our problems to fester but to get them in the open and move on, together.
The Bible is a marriage counselor in and of itself. 🙂
Great post. Thanks.
The best marriage counselor! That verse from Ephesians is a verse that my family uses…often 🙂 Thank you so much for taking the time to visit and to comment, I really love to hear what’s on others hearts. ~Have a blessed day~
What I found in my marriage, is that when I came to the point where I could honestly look at myself, see my own strengths and weaknesses, and accept myself, then I could do the same with my husband. I stopped blaming him for my unhappiness, and started focusing on his strengths and overlooking the weaknesses. We have been married for 35 years, and I can honestly say we love eachother in a way that we never thought possible in the earlier years.
The true key, is becoming one through the power of the Holy Spirit, helping us to love unconditionally:-)
Thanks for a great post!
Congratulations on 35 years of marriage! I love your testimony. I absolutely agree with you! Thank you so much for sharing with me 🙂 I pray you’re having a blessed day.
You must have written this just for me, just for today, because it is exactly what I need. Thank you for obeying the call, sister.
God Bless you, friend! Thank you for visiting and sharing. All glory to God.
Marriage is not for the faint of heart because it takes more than love. It takes patience, dedication and the constant reminder that God gave me this man to respect and love for the rest of my life without any worry about my pride. Today we celebrated 19 years from our very first date. I have no idea how we managed it since we are both very opinionated people. One short answer: grace!
Rebecca, everything you said in there about building walls, holding grudges, was me. Boy is it easy to lash out. But I realized that I held on to grudges because I was not holding on to Christ. I did not have His forgiveness, patience, forbearance or love. But when I let Him in, all the walls came down and then I was able to see my husband and situations as He would have me see them.
Regardless as to the nature of the relationship – be it marriage, friendship, co-worker, whatever – when we get mad at someone, all we are thinking about is how we feel. We are totally self-absorbed, with absolutely no thought about anyone else. Most anger is fear-based. Our two greatest fears are fear of loss and fear of not being accepted (loved). I could write an entire article regarding fear and how it dominates every aspect of our life.
1st John 4:18 (RSV) states: “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.”
When we come to know and understand the love our Holy Father has for us, then we can live in and share that love with others; for our heart is filled with the peace that passes all understanding (Philippians 4:7).
Remember, beloved, that every good and perfect gifts comes to us from the Father of Lights (James 1:17). If we are experiencing a fear-based moment, we do good to remember that the Son of God has set us free from the bondage of fear. Now when a tense moment arrives, we can capture our fear-based thoughts and give them over to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5).
Grace and peace,
Karl
This is so true! What a great reminder. I love your first sentence especially: it isn’t the heat of the moment that kills a marriage, but the brick wall you build after.
Love your helpful wisdom.
Thank you, my friend. I pray you’re having a blessed day 🙂