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Tag Archives: senior

Reflections

28 Sep

I am coming up on a big milestone in my life.  My oldest daughter is getting ready to turn 18.  I became her mama under the most unfortunate of circumstances.  I was a young, unwed, teenage girl with no money and honestly no clue.  What makes the story a little more complicated is that she was born not well.  I was only 24 weeks pregnant when she made her very small and very quiet way into the world.  I think we can all agree that even under the best circumstances having a baby is hard and having a sick baby is super hard.

The past several months has had me being very reflective.  Looking back on that hard first year and the subsequent years that were still a little hard but mostly joyful.  I keep thinking on all the things I should of done and the things I could of done better. I look at her now, a senior in high school, enjoying a life much different than my own.

I was the youngest in a blended family of five, actually I was a big oops!  My older siblings really gave my parents a run for their money.  It seemed one big problem kept overlapping the next.  I was often told to go play and probably unintentionally overlooked because I wasn’t causing any problems.  Fast forward to the really formative years of my life and I was still alone.  I was left to navigate these years with only destructive bahavior patterns leftover from my now grown but still incapable siblings.  It was now my legacy and I didn’t disappoint.  The only difference is that being left alone for so long, I was good at hiding in the shadows, therfore, I was able to avoid real trouble.

I really missed out on healthy behaviors being modeled for me.  When I became a mama, I ferociosly loved my baby girl with all that I had. I didn’t know what being a good parent looked like but I knew that I wanted to be one.  The first years were trial and error.  What I really lacked and really craved for was a woman who I could look up to and someone who could encourage me.  Self pity is an expesive trip to take and I certainly maxed out.  A time came where at a cross road I had to decide once and for all the path I would take.  Since I didn’t have the people I needed I could become the type of person I needed.  I love that even though I didn’t know God, He still had His hand on me.

Thus, the journey began. So here, 18 years later, I reflect on the journey and all that I’ve learned. That the brokenness of your past does not have to be the legacy of your future.  It is never too late to keep trying again.  That with God nothing is truly broken, that all the past wounds, heartaches, disappointments etc..are all God shaped.

So here we are.  I look over at the one who made me a mama and thank God for our journey this far.  She is learning to navigate this complicated world as a young woman with dreams and desires and she is trying to make a mark for herself despite the physical limitations of Cerebral Palsy.  She is walking with the one who loves her most and because of that she is OK and so am I.

~Be Blessed and be a Blessing~

Rebecca

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My 13th first Day of School

5 Sep

Well, we made it through another summer vacation.  We had a lazy uneventful but fun summer.  I’ll admit, I am very sad to see it end. I am gearing up for my 13th first day of school….YIKES!

I was sitting here thinking back 13 (that flew by) years ago, Labor Day.  My oldest, Alison, was a precious itty bitty five year old with pink glasses.  She was anxious for her first day of kindergarten-I was not! Tuesday came. Even though we could of slept in a bit (because she had the afternoon class), Alison was up early-ready to make it official. Sporting a new outfit, her name tag, and her new pink backpack, that was almost bigger than her-we headed out on a beautiful Colorado day, on our short walk to school.  The classroom was buzzing with excitement as the kiddos explored their classroom and made new friends.  The teacher gave parents a few minutes to take pictures and give extra hugs.  One by one parents started to trickle out until it was just me.  I was thinking “They expect me to leave this precious child who hasn’t left my side for more than 5 minutes for almost 6 years, here alone-without her mama?”.  I made up my mind right then, that she needed me too much to leave. I was gonna stay.  Of course, the kindly teacher assured me that she would be OK and that I would see her in a few hours.  I left that classroom and cried my heart out all the way home. Sad, because life as I knew it had changed forever and it changed so suddenly in just one day. No more leisurely afternoon Hundred Acre Wood picnics, no more late night blanket fort sleepovers, and no more little shadow all the time.  She was a big girl doing big girl things- without me!  Time passed slowly that first day.  Time eventually passed and I made my way to pick her up.  I remember thinking how upset she must of been all day and how glad she will be when she sees me.  I envisioned her plowing through the crowd and jumping into my open arms begging to never go back.  When she saw me she was in tears, but not for the reasons I thought…the girl didn’t want to leave school.  She really burst my bubble.  She had a blast-without me!  Here I was mourning and she was having the time of her life.  Life did change that day but certainly not for the worse.  We just moved into a different season of life and it was still wonderful. Even if she is a high school senior!

Brouke came along and I went through it all again.  Now I am sitting in the same place as I was 13 years ago except this time, my baby-my last born, my only son will be  starting his journey as a first grader.  Yes, I will cry and have a moment but I will look on with joy as I watch my boy learn and grow and I’ll be reminded how very blessed I am.

I know many are here with me.  My prayer for you is that God will be near to each of you as you kiss the sweet faces of your babies as you send them out into the world. May he comfort you as you adjust to a new season. For all our babies, may God watch over each of them as they begin a new school year.  I pray for safety and protection over each of them.  May God Bless each of you!

~Be Blessed and be a Blessing~
Rebecca

Copyright © 2013 · All Rights Reserved · www.andasprinkleoflove.com

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